Hawte Miami

When you think about attending the U, you may envision pristine beaches, crystal blue waters, and sunny skies. What nobody tells you is that you end up on a campus smack in the middle of a suburb, 30 minutes away from SoBe. Don’t worry, your constant state of being barred out combined with the blabbering of stroller-pushing Sofia Vergara-type residents will make any Bitch feel like she’s in a far-away country. Oh and enjoy being spoken to in Spanish 24/7 in public.

UM

Nightlife

Nightlife is divided into two options. South Beach or the Grove. If you like to stand on tables(who doesn’t) and roll face, it’s South Beach all the way. If you like beer, bros and/or don’t have money, it’s all about Coconut Grove.

South Beach

Bitches push past Spanish drug dealers to get allowed into the world-famous LIV at the Fountainbleau. (If you can’t figure out how to pronounce it -blue – stick with fountainBLAH.) There isn’t a better feeling than standing on the table of some guy who just spent $20,000 dollars on Perrier Joüet knowing you don’t have to fuck him.

Mokai is a local Miami fav where you can instagram pictures of yourself smoking cigarettes in Sepia.

Of course, there are the more easily accessible venues ran by UM and Miami-Dade Promoters. At some point or another, it is imperative you befriend one. Getting a Facebook notification every 15 seconds is definitely worth the endless supply of free Grey Goose.

The Grove

Close to campus and easily accessible, everyone goes on Thursdays. Barhopping is what college is supposed to be about, right? So we stomach it once a week at least!

Tavern -With all the country music and denim shorts you’ll find out you’re really in the south.

Every couple of months, someone will try and turn a Grove bar into a South Beach style club. These constantly come and go. The idea of bottle service is too foreign to some people.

What to Do During the Day

Laying out – Whether it’s at someone’s apartment pool or the beach. Nothing is better than laying out. Besides Instagramming pictures of yourself laying out.

Boats – Like promoters, finding a guy with a boat is a must! Also one of the most important parts of going on a boat is letting everyone know you’re going on a boat. Getting blackout in international waters is where it’s at.

Special Events

ULTRA!! – Whores and weird European guys all over the world come to Miami for this annual celebration of doing Molly and other drugs. Also, some losers go for the music. Be prepared for tons of ULTRA ticket purchases and wall posts of YouTube videos from Avicii’s 27th performance. Also, one must obey the ULTRA uniform while at the festival: Neon tanktop, Neon sunglasses, Neon tampon.

Regatta – The day when you accepted that fat creepy Spanish guy’s number from LIV finally pays off. Regatta represents Miami’s Cuban heritage by shoving as many people/hard drugs as you can on a boat. (It’s ok, I’m half Cuban. I can say this.)

Football games – Only for the tailgates. Then take a cab from the ghetto back home before the first quarter is even over so you don’t have to watch another ass beating by nobody schools.

Shipping your bestie off to rehab – an honored tradition.

Spring Break

It’s time to head to South Beach. There really is no other place than Ocean Drive. Spend all day at the beach and then make your way to LIV or Mansion.

Where to Live

So you no longer speak to your dorm roommate who you swore was your soul mate six months ago?

Merrick Park/One Village – What better way to rough-it college style than a luxury condo on top of the Louis Vuitton store? Bitches with money living in a designer shopping destination. The symbolism is poetic. Right?

Red Road Commons – If you don’t have money, there’s always this option. Kind of reminds you of the Warsaw ghetto, except painted vominous pastels.

Bal Harbor- Up north some, but you can’t beat the beautiful views and all the Shops and crazy health freaks.

Aventura- Just as north as Bal Harbor. You want to live in William’s Island, or on Country Club Dr. that’s where where a betch would live anyway.

Houses – Because you’re an adult and want to throw parties/BBQ’s.

Food

Molly, Adderall, Starbucks. Oh, and Prime 112 with your parents.

Abroad

Australia, Barcelona, Paris, Cancun, Sicily, Rehab, Grandparents house in Boca

Things to Do as a Miami Resident

– Road trip to Mardi Gras

– Go to Key West for Fantasy Fest

– Have sex with a member of Swedish House Mafia

– Go hipster in Wynwood

– Go to Art Basel

– Monty’s Happy Hour

– End up at a celebrity’s house

– End up at rich family friend’s house

– Play host to some visiting bitches

– Survive a hurricane

– Survive a bad pregame

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